ODAAT: Volume 1, Chapter 28

 

Chapter 28

Home

I didn't sleep last night at all. I couldn't. My brain has started to think about him excessively, now that the miles between us are getting smaller and smaller. The time frame is shrinking, counting down to that final performance. We're on the road, traveling from Nevada to California. Crystal is reading a poetry book she bought the other day. It's the works of Edgar Allan Poe and she's reading passages out loud to herself. She's laying in her bunk, and Frankie is asleep in ours. I've decided to sit by myself in the lounge, looking out the window. The poem Crystal is reading is called “Annabel Lee”. It's a tragic piece about love and loss. He's talking about losing someone he loved, who meant the world to him. I can relate. Of course, Hunter isn't dead. But, it certainly feels like he might be. The way everyone dances around his name, treats him like a stain. The only thing that leaves a lingering stain like that is death. But we're colliding as the bus passes the state line. I can feel the air getting thicker and my lungs are struggling to inhale. I can feel his presence all around me, like Poe could feel Annabel Lee. I can smell his musk, though I know it's my mind playing tricks on me. The only smell right now is the desert sand. I look out the window at the moon that's shining down, illuminating the metallic siding of the bus. I can see his smile on the surface, but shake my head to push him from my mind. He has been haunting me this entire tour. No matter how many miles I traveled, I carried him with me. I could not get away from him. But, maybe it was by choice. Maybe I didn't want to get away from him and it's as simple as that.

We spent yesterday parading around Nevada, mostly sight-seeing. I let Crystal and Frankie take pictures and point out different attractions. But I knew the tour off by heart. I also knew the stops they didn't. That high school we went to, the diner he worked at, the house he grew up in. Even the graveyard where his last living relative was laid to rest. A graveyard he'd never visit, that I only went to once. These are the sights in Nevada that mean something to me. Had he a normal family, we might have driven here once a month for a family dinner. Sundays might have been a pot roast and potatoes. His mother might have baked cookies and he might have had to sign stuff for his siblings and their friends at school. None of that happened. Neither of us were meant for a life like that. I was happy with it being just the two of us. It's a shame that he wasn't.

But I didn't say anything about our past visits. I knew Crystal would give me this look like I needed to let go. I think Frankie would feel bad, or awkward and out of place. He couldn't help that the day off came in Nevada. I couldn't help that Hunter was raised there. It only stood as a reminder that no matter how far I went, I could never leave him behind.

The radio interview yesterday morning asked about our plans for the future. Do we have plans to settle down? Are we moving in together once we get back to California? That stuff. I didn't have any answers, but Frankie's automated sometimes. He tells the cameras that we're moving to Illinois when the tour is over. It's the first I heard of it, the first Crystal heard of it. He went on to say that he already has a Realtor securing a nice place for us there. He wants away from the attention and the stigma surrounded by California. It's no place to fall in love.

“Illinois is for lovers.” He joked. That is him being ridiculous again. Illinois is for punks, not lovers. But, it's all the same to me. I want to leave California behind with everything else that never worked for me. We were just not meant to be. But Illinois will always have a “home” vibe to us. That's where we met the second time, at a venue with Radioactive Men. That's where we would have lived, had I said yes when he asked me to leave Hunter. It only makes sense that we'd settle down where it all began. Crystal has missed the East Coast, too. Of course, she would have chose New York as home. But, Frankie says it's too hectic. Crystal agreed to move to Illinois so her light could still shine. You can't see the stars in New York over all the bright lights and skyscrapers. It's easy to be invisible in New York, because everyone believes they are just as important. No one bats an eyelash at a celebrity, so anonymity is possible. I would have chosen New York, too.

Later in the evening, Frankie showed us the pictures the Realtor had sent him. The house is beautiful. Big and designed with an open concept. It's got four bedrooms, which is excessive. But, Frankie wants a music room as well. It's the same size as his house in California, which he informed us had already been sold. Apparently, he had been planning the move since the beginning of the tour. He already had his personal belongings packed and ready to go. He decided to leave most of his furniture behind, and start over. He was going to go to the house while we were in town. He wanted to make sure all of his stuff had been sent home. His word, not mine.