ODAAT: Volume 1, Chapter 30

 

Chapter 30

Alternate Realities

In an alternate version of reality, I said yes to Hunter. We didn't leave the hotel the morning we were supposed to. Instead, we stayed. We took that stroll on the beach. I started a seashell collection. I smiled. I laughed. Probably for the first time in months. He held my hand and returned the laughter. We were happy. We went back to the hotel and packed up. But we never went home. Instead, we took the chance to start over. Get things right. We bought a house in Seattle, because he's always wanted to move there. Even though it always seems to rain. We got a beagle and named her Daisy. Mostly because they scatter the yard of our new home. But I call her Oopsie Daisy because she's a reminder of the mistake we almost made. Hunter has started writing music again and it's better than anything he's ever written. It turned out all he needed was a change of scenery too. Who would have guessed? He got himself a job working as a bus boy, because he doesn't feel the need to be the center of attention. But it's only part time because he's devoted himself to writing. He's even renting out studio time. He's determined to get it right this time.

We both are.

I'm not keeping my feelings bottled up anymore. I'm being abrasive whenever I have to be. When I see him look at another girl, I remind him that I won't stand for it this time. I'm not giving him any more chances. This is his last one. But he's not even looking at her, and just laughs and holds me closer. We go home together, instead of apart. We've learned the value of being in each others' company. We've learned the importance of trying again. We've learned to reinvent love and we're doing the best we can. We're not another roadside attraction that can be passed over or blown with the wind. We're a permanent installation. Finally. Because we've learned that our love matters more than anything. And we've learned to fight for each other.

In another alternate reality, I didn't say anything when the spotlight showed Frankie asking me that awful question. I looked at Crystal. I looked at Hunter. Then I dropped his hand and ran in the opposite direction. I didn't stop running until I was somewhere I didn't recognize. Maybe I still ended up in Seattle, because no one would expect me to land there. Maybe I kept going. Maybe I crossed the border and took a new identity when I got to Vancouver. Maybe I even adopted the Heiress persona that Crystal had coined for me when I was there. Canada is so welcoming and the scenery is just beautiful. Then, I got a job working as a waitress. It's under the table because I don't have legal identification to work in the country. My boss is respectful, but occasionally gets a little more hands-on than I'd like to deal with. But I do. Because I need the money to pay the rent for the bachelor apartment I've found. It just has a mattress on the ground, a fold out table and a matching chair.

But you know what? It's enough. I'm happy enough, because I got away. I ran. And what's more comforting than starting over with no expectations from anyone but myself? I've held on to the idea of meaning for too long. Whether it's the meaning of life, or love, or even myself. But I've finally accepted there is no meaning to anything. Life is meaningless. As depressing as that sounds, I feel like it's uplifting. If there's no meaning to life, then I'm not missing something. If I'm not missing anything, it means there are no expectations. With no expectations, I'm not failing anyone. I'm not failing myself.

But those are just alternate realities.

The visions dance in my head as the car hits every bump on the drive from the airport. Crystal doesn't know how to drive properly. But it came down to her or me and it's the plane crash theory all over again. I can't drive a car without feeling the overwhelming urge to turn into the other lane. A crash that spans every lane of the highway. Blood everywhere. Shortness of breath until the last one escapes. I've got a fascination with dying. We don't trust me to be in control of anything.

I'm pretty sure I asked for a lack of control. I was tired of making my own decisions, afraid I would never make them properly anyway. I gave control of the wheel to someone who seemed to have enough of himself together. I should have been careful about what I asked for, or been more specific. I got my lack-of-control, but it's not what I had in mind. Then again, I wonder what I did have in mind. I wonder exactly what I thought I wanted, because I know I haven't a clue now. That's why I hope there's no meaning to anything. I feel lost and I want to be absolved of purpose and direction. If there's no meaning, there's also no value. I can't put value on what I've never known. I can't miss what I never had.

I look at the sparkling Christmas decorations lining the street as we pass the suburban homes. We're driving through a neighborhood I recognize, yet nothing here feels familiar. It's not a homecoming for me. It's more like a reminder, because everything is. There's a banner that says Merry Christmas still up on the sidewalk. I wonder if maybe time froze here. It's certainly cold enough to be possible. If maybe, it's still early in December. Early enough to fix things. Early enough to still be in a hotel with Hunter. To say yes, start my fucking seashell collection. I don't even like seashells. I don't like romantic walks on the beach either. I'm not the romantic type. But I would have given anything to be that way if I knew it could have changed. But I know these Christmas decorations are leftovers from the holiday. We're already 5 days into the New Year. The decorations just haven't been taken down yet, left to clutter up the streets and decorate the yards.

I'm just not feeling the holiday spirit, I guess. It's hard to get into a holiday that is meant to be spent with a family I don't have. Thinking about the family I hoped to have with someone who couldn't even see a future with himself. Despite everything, that's what it boiled down to. It wasn't that Hunter couldn't see a future with me, it's that he didn't believe he had a future at all. In his mind, everything was temporary. He was never going to give himself to anyone, too afraid of the minute they'd leave him behind. I couldn't leave him behind. I wish he could have seen my devotion.

Crystal pulls the car into the driveway of our new home. If only it felt like home.