ODAAT: Volume 2, Chapter 1

 

Starting Over

It's funny how we lie to the people we love the most. Often under the veil of protecting them from the pain the truth would cause. But really, there's nothing noble about lying. It's selfish. Nothing less and nothing more. We're only trying to protect ourselves from the aftermath. They say the truth will set us free. I don't disagree, but I can see how the truth can be a trap, too. Honesty can be your salvation or your damnation. All depends what you're honest about.

I found out that Crystal was the deciding factor in our move to Illinois. She told Frankie that she was born and raised here. He always believed I was raised here as well. I was raised all over the East coast before I was in my preteen years. I was born in Illinois, yes. My mother dragged me back to Illinois later on. But when I left with Luke, Illinois stopped being home. Home was the road. New York was second, but Illinois came in third for places I'd settle in. Of course, Illinois was familiar to him as well. He had lived here for a few months with Luke. He met a lot of people while he was here. He thought it would be a nice place to settle down. It makes me wonder why he's not here with us. We got here without him in the first week of January. He came along the second week to see the house and make sure we settled in. He wanted to make sure the Realtor had been genuine about the condition of the house. But, after a few days, he was leaving again. He said he had to go to New York to negotiate the contract for his next album. He called to say he wouldn't be back for a few weeks, because he didn't want to rush the process. At least the Realtor had picked a beautiful house. The pictures didn't really do it justice. It was so much nicer in person. Bigger, too. It turned out to be about double the size of the California house. The Realtor never sent pictures of the view either. The house overlooked the docks, which meant it was central. We didn't know that until we arrived. Crystal was thrilled. I would know she wasn't from Illinois, even if she never told me. She acts like a tourist here, like she's only been on occasion, because she has. The real reason she wanted to come to Illinois was her now-boyfriend, Charles. The two of them met while we were playing here a few weeks ago. She wanted to be with him and thought settling here was a good way to let their relationship blossom.

They went out for dinner and they've been attached at the hip ever since. I don't mind. I never told Crystal about my past. She wouldn't know that I left Illinois behind and I was happy to get out. It felt like a dead end to me and I wanted to see more of the world. I guess now, I'm the one who needs closure. I'm the one who needs to stop running from my past. But if I was really going to face my past, it wouldn't be here. It would be in New York. Or I would pick up the phone and call Samuel. But I won't, because I can't. I'd have nothing to say anyway. Charlie has been showing her around town, like she's a tourist. Because she is. I make the occasional recommendation. Ask if the occasional business is still open. Me and Charlie don't talk a lot. We were friends growing up, but, time has drifted us apart. We're such different people now. That and, I left without telling anyone. That is, after all, my token move. My parents were furious because I ran off with Luke. The parents who never gave a damn about me before suddenly started acting parental when I said I was leaving. I guess because I wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces of their fucked up lives anymore. Or, at least my mothers. My dad was always a step-parent, regardless of who it was each week. But whoever it was would always try to act like he had authority. They saw me at the age of 10 as a child. They expected I would be more open to having parents. I wasn't. I wasn't interested in being raised because I was doing a fine job myself.

When I met Luke, I saw it as a way out of the life I felt I had grown beyond. Oh he was everything a magazine cover demonstrated as the perfect man. The image of perfection when everything around me felt like a disaster. In hindsight, I realize I saw him in a glowing light. Like an angel sent down to guide me along to the next stage of my life. He wasn't perfect and I would quickly find that out. We didn't have a fairy tale start, either. It was rough from day one. He cheated on me, accused me of horrible things. But I stayed, because it was better than going home with my tail between my legs. I spent more years of my life with him, trapped in that cycle, than I want to admit. He would hold it over my head, too. He would remind me that without him, I would still be at home, dealing with the bullshit of my mother. I had to “earn” my right to be in his life. The fame went straight to that kids' head. He thought he was some sort of God-given privilege to me and I should worship the ground he walked on. But I let him boss me around. I did. Because I was naive. I thought it was love. Oh if I had a nickle for every time I heard that. But it wasn't. Because when it hurts like that, it never is. Love is painful, sure. But there's a reward. It's worth the pain. That wasn't.

It was in the fall of 2009. I took off for the night. I was going to a show, even though he wouldn't have allowed it. Just me, myself and my fake I.D. I was going to watch some band touring the United States. They weren't played on the radio. I knew nothing about the band or even their style of music. There was nothing special about them. But I was doing it because I wanted to. I wanted to do anything that didn't require asking permission. And I did.

That was the night I ran into Hunter. He told me the planets must have aligned to put us in the same place. It was fate, or something like it. He was such a hopeless romantic back then. He asked me to come with him on tour. I was hesitant, but we all know that I did. I packed a bag, got onto that tour bus and barely looked back at the life I left behind. Then I moved in with Hunter in California. We'd tour together. We wrote music together. He loved me and I loved him more than anything. It wasn't perfect. I realized there was no such thing as perfection. But, we were golden. If only I had realized the truth Robert Frost spoke of when he said nothing gold can stay. I think I would have still got on that tour bus. I would have still followed Hunter wherever he went. I don't regret a minute of that first year we had together. Before his insecurities. Before the separate touring. But, when our relationship took that shift, I would have put in the effort. I would have tried harder. I would have made him try, too. I wouldn't have let him slip away into the subconscious insanity that has consumed him. I would have fought.

It's funny how I think of this in hindsight. It's not funny how often he's been on my mind. I think it's because I have nothing better to do with my time. Crystal is always off with Charlie, leaving me alone in this massive house with nothing to do. I don't tell him this when he calls every night though. I don't want him to think I'm lonely. Although I am. I realize that loneliness is just because I've become too accustomed to relying on other people. I made the choice that night in New York to do something for myself. I need to make the same decision now.