ODAAT: Volume 2, Chapter 3

 

Designated Driver

Crystal has been making me drive everywhere. She knows how I feel about being in control of the wheel. I've got an almost uncontrollable urge to steer into oncoming traffic whenever I see a car driving in the other direction. She knows this, because I've told her this on many different occasions. In fact, I tell her this every time she tells me to get behind the wheel. But she says she trusts me. That she believes I wouldn't put her life in danger. She's probably right. But I still don't trust myself. I don't trust my reaction time either. But Charlie doesn't have a license anymore. He hasn't had a car in so long, he said he didn't see the point. He just let it expire. He has to take the test over, but can't find the time in his schedule. Jared won't drive for the same reasons as me. When he has control of the wheel, you can see him clench his fists around the rubber. His breathing races and his pulse picks up. He's anxious behind the wheel because he doesn't trust himself either. It's one of the many things we have in common. Crystal doesn't care. She just says it's time to face our fears.

She's designated me the driver whenever we go out.

On the weekends, during the day, we drive around town with Charlie as a personal tour guide. Not that it's needed, but Crystal seems to enjoy it. It's been almost two months, but she's still acting like a tourist. I think, she just enjoys hearing Charlie talk about everything that means anything to him. So we just let him pretend we've never been here. Jared and I know Illinois like the back of our hands. We lived here for almost a year before we moved to New York. He had a job at a record store, I had a job as a Starbucks barista. We had to make a living to keep our heads above the water. We made friends. We went to dinner parties. We fucked around behind each others' backs. But, we were different people then. We're different people from two months ago, too. We've run into people who used to be acquaintances that have commented on the difference. Crystal has even said we don't seem the same. Of course, she never met him. She never saw us together. But she's seeing how we are around each other. That's different. Something has changed between the two of us. Maybe the same thing that always needed to. We put too much pressure on each other. Removing the pressure gave us both the chance we never had to flourish. I've seen the changes in him. He's seen the changes in me. We've grown. Apart, and together.

Crystal has asked if we're back together. I told her we're just friends. She said she wouldn't judge either way, because it's obvious we have something special. We had an awkward encounter on Valentines' Day because of her refusal to believe we were just friends. Crystal and Charlie were going out for dinner and insisted the two of us tag along. We didn't know there was a couples' special for the evening. They did, it being Charlie's idea to invite us along. Someone in the restaurant went around giving roses out to every man, requesting they be given to their special someone. Crystal told the whole restaurant that we were a new couple, that it was our first Valentines' Day together. Because of it, we were the center of attention. There was a quartet or something playing requests on a small stage at the front. Crystal said she was going to request a song that she hoped they knew. A song she loved when she was a child and wanted to hear. But that's not why she went to talk to the band. The singer came over to our table and asked Jared to get up on stage with them. They dedicated a song to his “special someone”. He chose a Sinatra song, which made his special someone obvious. It was unfortunate that special someone wasn't there to witness his rendition. He nailed it. If I had a camera, I would have recorded it for Frankie. He would have been proud.

Of course, I won't deny that it was easy to fall in love with him all over again. His confidence was enough to catch my attention. But, we haven't crossed any lines. We're both respecting the boundaries of my unspoken relationship with the love of his life. He sleeps in the third bedroom, which I guess is now a guest-room. There's nothing in it except for a bed and it's only a single mattress. It's nothing fancy, but he doesn't seem to mind. Meanwhile, I'm alone in the massive bedroom meant for two. We spend the days hanging out like friends. Then I spend the night talking to Frankie on the phone. We haven't seen each other in weeks. He's been too busy to make time to come see us. But he calls every night. We talk about his plans for the future. The next tour. The album. When he's moving here with us. He tells me that once his engagements in New York are settled, he'll be home. His words.

I haven't told him Jared is here, though. I don't know why. I guess I'm afraid that he won't believe it's been platonic. He might question why I even invited him here in the first place. I wouldn't have an answer for that, if he asked. I didn't invite him here. He called, telling me he had a locket of mine. It was a locket that Jesse's grandmother gave me just before she died. The sentimental value in that piece of jewelry exceeds everything else I own. I thought I had packed it, but he found it under the bed. That meant it fell from the nightstand and I never noticed. He remembered how important that locket was to me. He said he was skeptical about sending it through the mail, offering to drive it to me instead. He said he'd crash on the couch and leave in the morning. So he showed up with an overnight bag, intending to leave the next day. But, it just felt right having him here. We have the extra room, so we've been sleeping in separate beds. It's not like we've crossed any boundaries.

We're taking it one day at a time. The way we should have always approached our relationship. It might not make sense to other people, but, we know where we stand. We're the only ones who need to know.