Hold Up! It'ss Getting Mezzy

 4 key are brken oon the keyboaord, oo there are going to be many inconooitence. i'll fi thi later

right now i want to ay that everything ha becme cluttered becaue f the way I wa haring odaat, ne day at a time. I'm ging t give all three part their wn dedicated page and clear them frm the ite. i think that' the eaiet way

i've pene an amazn wihlit, if yu're intereted in checking it ut, bkamrk it. Ye, a cmputer i prbably mething I need cnidering.

It's the SX9O keys broken on my laptop. In order to continue writing, I've had to resort to using a plug-in keyboard. This computer crashes at least twice a day. It can't update. It cycles. Long story short, it won't be long before I don't have a computer anymore. I can't afford a new one. Even used. So I just won't have a computer. I have to start saving. I really can't see myself without a computer. I'm in front of this thing at least 8 hours a day. I used it for all my entertainment. 

I want to go back to sharing random stories and conversation pieces. Not because I'm trying to get more traffic, but because it's genuinely what I want to share with people.

I don't know when I plan to publish the autobiography I wrote. I guess I could do it on my birthday, since the album debut won't be trying to get attention too. The music is dead. My muse shotgun blasted my hope and dreams about a record about how in love I was. It turns out, it was just a mirage all along. I could have written an entire album about my anger and betrayal, but I decided to scrap everything I wrote about the situation. That's all I'll ever say about it. I've processed enough that I'm not repressing anything and I've moved on. 

My new muse isn't just a literary fire. Any time I start thinking about him with any real thought, I feel inspired to start working on myself. I think, what would Chris think if he saw me _______________?  If I feel embarrassed by the answer, I try and make improvements. It's not that I'm making any comparisons. But this person carries themselves in a way I'd like to carry myself. I see him as a teacher. It's a shame I can't it down and have a conversation with him. I'm too afraid to even be in the room when he's doing his lives. I don't want people to think I'm a creep, which definitely makes me come across as a freak. I'd like to think, he'd be flattered that he was motivating in some way. I have to think that was the reason he poured so much of himself into his writing. He made the mistakes so other people wouldn't have to. He learned the lessons and shared those experiences. I know he's doing something completely different, but he anchors me to my debut novel, One Day At A Time. He had no impact, though Charlie was definitely inspired by him. Maybe it's because he gave me my first audience. I had always written for myself. It was shared, like this, on my website. For the three people who checked once a month. It didn't miraculously give me traffic or fans or anything. It welcomed me into a writing community of other people who were inspired by the same person's life stories. 

THAT. That changed everything for me. I made great friends, we had great conversations. It was a collection of creative minds, bouncing ideas off each other. I never really had that before. I've been a loner my entire life. But I never felt like I had to be someone else. I could be myself. I could be weird, and awkward. Everyone was, including our teacher. He made normal people with crazy stories feel sane, even if just momentarily. His books are pages on pages of wisdom. 

As I continue the series (currently writing book 11/9), I'd like to expand my writing. I'd like to start putting together books, inspired by Chris. I just adore so many things about him. I'm not envious of a stick figure, but I'm determined. When I write "Monster"; I'm not doing it for the audience. That one is for me. I'm going to highlight the ugly truth. The Monster Inside Me is a factual account of living with depression and dissociative amnesia. If you go into knowing it reads like fight club, you'll be fine. If you're expecting anything else, I'll put a map on the first page. I mean, this book was written leading into a suicide attempt and a complete loss of identity. It's not going to be happy. It's meant to be informative. To maybe help people who are suffering from similar symptoms too understand it's normal. I don't need to research how depression impacts memory. I lived it. That book is mostly written in journal entries. I just need to put it all together.