ODAAT: Volume 2, Chapter 18

 

The Book

If you watch the trees for long enough, you might believe they could come to life. Pull their roots out of the ground and stomp along the highway. The branches lightly swaying as they propel forward. The sound of the leaves rustling creates a whisper that sounds like words if you're listening close enough. Right now, I can only hear the hum of the bus underneath me. These bunks are more comfortable than the last ones we were on. No memory foam this time. I'm sitting in the lounge with my legs pulled to my chest. Everyone else is asleep right now, but I just couldn't get my mind down. Instead, I watch the trees as we pass them. The leaves are half-off the trees, still trying to grow back from a cold and bitter winter. Global warming is making the winters colder, but Mother Nature just keeps going. The seasons keep changing, one ending and another beginning. It's funny how even nature lets go of the old, to make room for the new.

I hear footsteps from beside me, but I don't bother looking over. He sits down on the couch behind me and wraps one of his arms around my chest. He pulls me across the couch and into his arms. I look up at him, smiling as his lips press into mine.

“Can't sleep?” I ask, nuzzling into the crease of his neck.

“Never can.” He answers, laughing. I drop my legs down, letting my feet hit the floor. I adjust myself to lean against his shoulder and he adjusts his arm around me. He reaches forward with his other hand and grabs mine. I lace my fingers with his, feeling his bones.

“You're as skinny as a dime.” I comment, tracing his hand with mine. He laughs, lifting our hands up.

“You're one to talk.” He teases, holding my own hand in front of my face. I shrug, mostly looking at his fingers around mine.

“I'm small. I'm allowed to be skinny.” I dismiss, pushing our hands away. He laughs, but he doesn't say anything. I can feel his heart beating through his hand. His pulse has picked up. It seems being this close to one another has that effect. Our bodies are trying to synchronize to each other. I smile against his shoulder and he rests his head against mine. It doesn't matter that our heads know there's no point. Our hearts are still in this. They always will be.

I've never let myself want anything in this life. I saw everything as temporary. If you want something, you risk the disappointment of never getting it. You spend forever holding on to an idea of something that will never be yours. Or, you get everything, only to have it shatter into fine dust when you lose it. To want something is to give something power over you too. If you aren't strong enough to chase your dreams, you'll believe in your heart you are too weak and give up hope. If you can't hold on to what you had, you might believe you're inadequate. Whether it's a life goal or a lover. Wanting can be a dangerous thing. Sometimes, it's better to just dream. Dreaming is nice. You can imagine and pretend about these ideals. You can think about them all the time, but never truly consider acting on them. So many of us believe our dreams will never come true. We simply keep dreaming for the possibility that they might. The uncertainty of it all keeps us thinking there's a chance. Even when we know better. Grown ups know better than to believe in fairy tales. Those are for small children who haven't suffered what the world will certainly do to them one day. Heartbreak. Pain. Divorcing parents. Losing faith. Misery. Hopelessness. Poverty. Everything else that comes with growing up, being human and being alive. But, when you let yourself get too caught up in all that bad, you forget to look for the good. You start convincing yourself it's not even there.

Yesterday, Crystal started talking about the book. She believes she has found her niche, her direction. She spoke about some of the tour stories she wanted to include. I listened to every word, hanging on to the way she told those stories. It's not about what you do. It's about how you do it. That's why touring will always be exciting to her. She's open to the experiences that she's being given. Everything is new and exciting because she simply lets it be that way. It turns out that she's been on just as many tours as I've been on. She hasn't left the continent, but it's all the same to her. She could see the same city twelve times and it would always be different. Because she's never stopped looking for the beauty in the world. She's never let the clouds of life take away her sunshine of hope. There is something admirable in the way she can find beauty in the ugliest of situations.

Her philosophy about life has started to seep into the pores of my being. I've started to understand what she meant about the negative energy in the world. I catch myself before I think too much. I stop myself from making useless comments. I let myself smile at him, without questioning what it means. The negative energy doesn't stop at words, but includes thoughts as well. I know that the more I think about what this is, the more pressure I put on it. I want to let it develop on its' own. I want to see what this has the ability to become. Even if that means leaving it unspoken. We were always good at ignoring what was right in front of us, after all.

The more Crystal tells me about the book, the more I push for her to write it. She's already started compiling ideas. She's been making lists of the stories she wants to tell. She's been scribbling phrases down on whatever she can find. She starts with a sentence and it becomes a paragraph. I think she'll have it written before the end of this tour, honestly. When we get home, she can type it up. Charlie will have it sent to the printer right away and get a hundred copies pressed. I'm sure she'll sell them right away. I'm sure she'll be a hit. Although I originally laughed at the idea, I've started to see the value in her life story. It's not about what she's done with her life. It's not about who she knows or where she's been. It's not even about who she has been. It's about who she is, deep down at the core. No matter what details she'll change about herself, she has heart. I think that matters more than anything else in the world. Especially since we walk among those with fake hearts.

You can't put a value on something that's priceless. You can't put words on a feeling of absolute purity.

“What are you thinking about?” He asks, after a long silence. I let out a deep sigh, looking up at him.

“I guess, you.” I answer, biting the side of my lip. He nods, running his other hand through my hair.

“Yeah?” He asks, baiting me to continue. I don't bother, instead humming against his smooth skin. He smiles and I can feel the muscles in his neck moving as he does.

“You're going to make me ask?” He asks, lightly laughing. I shake my head, moving back. I stare at him for a minute, waiting for his eyes to meet mine. Then, I lean forward and kiss him again.

“I love you Jared.” I whisper, letting the words hang in the air. He smiles against my lips, pulling them back to his. Both his arms wrap around me and he pulls me into his lap.

“I love you too.” He says with conviction, pressing his lips to my forehead. I smile, resting my head back on his shoulder. I curl into him, moving my hand to his chest.

I can feel his heart beating the words.