ODAAT: Volume 2, Chapter 21

 

War With Words

It's only been four days since Frankie made the band announcement. Charlie has been spending every minute practicing his guitar. He is really fine-tuning his sound. I give him another day or two before he'll be ready to join Crystal and Jared on stage. Charlie laughs every time he messes up a chord, but I feel like I'm wasting my time. I am not getting the hang of the bass. There was a day off between Boise and Portland, which Jared dedicated to showing me the basics. I understand the idea, how to make the sound, but putting it into practice has proven difficult. I didn't really expect I'd catch on that quickly. I haven't even learned what the notes are called. But I still hoped I'd have a better sound by now. Charlie tried to make me feel better by saying he already played his instrument. I countered him, saying I learned to play the bass when I was living with Luke.

Frankie believes my heart is in music. I asked him why he would think such a strange thought. He said I sing whenever I'm happy, belting out songs from the radio. He says I dance whenever I'm in a good mood, so the rhythm is living in me. He thinks I've got some ideal about performing. I tried to tell him that I don't. The only performance I'm interested in is that of my pen. Yes, I've written a few of my own songs. I've even come up with the melodies for them.

He's heard me humming them on many different occasions now. But, I'd never pursue music as a career. I'd never want to. Still, I try to humor his idea, even if I'm not good at playing the bass. I'm just not passionate about music the same way they are. It was never a consideration for me.

At the end of our lives, what we leave behind actually sizes up the accomplishments we've made. To have a certificate that says you're a psychologist means nothing. To have a handful of people you talked through their issues, passing your knowledge along, that's a legacy. They don't have to be big accomplishments. You don't have to be a star at all to leave something behind. You just have to leave something meaningful. There's a saying that I've commit to memory: Write a book worth reading, or live a life worth writing about. Every choice you make, every single day, should be decisive of what you leave behind. I know that my writing will be the difference I can make in this world. It will be what I leave behind. I am the most passionate about my writing.

The only part of the band I'm actually enjoying is the writing process. Jared and me have been working on music. He's also been working with Frankie. When the two of them are writing together, it's like a war with words. Both of them are such creative people. They use fluid wording and mix in a handful of metaphors. They live inside of the words they write. It doesn't matter if the words make sense or not. They each have distinct ideas in mind and want to bring them to life. Crystal will occasionally add her opinion on the lyrics, but mostly sticks to the melodies. I don't know anything about the melodies, but I have a lot to say about the lyrics.

I actually wanted to be a lyricist. I wanted to pen the kind of songs you'd hear on the radio. I wanted to write lyrics to manufactured music. A product or a brand that could sell, sell, sell. I wanted soccer moms and kids alike to listen along. I also wanted to include hidden undertones that only the true hearts would catch on to. A musical form of subliminal messaging. I wanted to say something important, hidden in those dance songs on the radio. But, there's no band looking to hire a lyricist. I could sell my lyrics to a random pop artist who doesn't write for themselves, but that feels hollow. The kind of people who buy store bought lyrics are the people who don't know hardships. They know a bit about motivation and working towards a goal. They know heartache and lying friends. They know trust issues and family drama. But, they don't know anything about real pain. They can't sing with conviction if they don't identify with the words. They can't say something worth listening to because it didn't come from the heart. You can only write so many songs about the basic experiences of life. Then, you have to start searching your soul for deeper context. Deeper meaning. Too many people are afraid of that concept. Those are the people who ask someone else for their soul to dress up and put music to.

I can't write for those people. I need my words to make an impact. With Frankie, I know that my voice will be heard. He's already established his fame, so my words can live on through him. He's made it clear that he'll use whatever I ask him to. I have creative freedom. It's a dream come true, even though I've never mentioned it to him. He's good at reading me, even when I want to be the toughest book to figure out. The hardest cover to crack open. A curse on everyone who gets too close to me. He doesn't seem to care. He wants what he wants and he goes for it. Right now, I'm what he wants. In order to get me, he has to break me down. So he's had to deal with the paper cuts in the form of my passive-aggressive comments. I don't even mean to make them, but sometimes, they slip out. I mean, we're not perfect. There's no such thing as perfection. We are attracted to each other for the imperfections anyways. So we argue, but he never lets it turn into a fight. He doesn't want to look back in a year, two years, a decade, and think about how bad it was. He wants to look back and see all the obstacles we've dodged.

Some of my comments are about Jared. It's not that I'm jealous, but I worry about the future. I worry about what will happen when they start fighting. Or when Jared and I start fighting. It's only a matter of time. Since the day we met, we've gotten under each others' skin. That's why the sex is always amazing. We lit a fire inside of one another that is uncontrollable. It's only a matter of time before the gasoline starts leaking. I tell Crystal my concerns. She says there's no sense in worrying, it ruins the surprise. That, the more time I spend thinking, the less time I can spend living. The calming tone of her voice usually soothes those insecurities. I wish I could fall in love with her, but I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship.