Chapter 14

We chose a small cafe in the downtown core. It was quiet, but still a public enough space to feel comfortable alone together. Or at least that was what I had hoped. I was wrong. It didn’t matter when or where we were. It didn’t matter who was around. The world disappeared when we were together. All I could see was my lust for him. I looked at his lips and saw them red and swollen from hours of being against my own. I saw the way his eyes rolled into the back of his head when he climaxed. I was overcome by feelings I thought I had left behind. I was wrong about that too. I was wrong a lot at the time, but I really couldn’t see the mistakes I was making.

We left the whole day in that cafe. Before he left, he gave me a look that said “to be continued”. I should have known better. We both should have. But seeing each other brought us back to the time we were kids. Back when everything was simple. We got swept up in the good memories and completely forgot what had drove us apart in the first place.

Right now, I want to take a minute to say that I do not condone cheating. In any way. I think if you’re going to be with someone else, you should always break things off with your partner first. I believe in being honest, above all else. I mean, if your partner is cool with you going outside the relationship, that’s one thing. But it’s all about consent. I’ve been on both sides of this particular fence, and I know sometimes it isn’t that easy. There are complicated variables in life that make it hard to navigate sometimes. That’s what I told myself at the time. I repeated it, like a mantra. It’s really easy to see how wrong it is in hindsight. Someone always ends up hurt in the end. At the time, nothing mattered but him.

I stood outside his hotel room, holding my shaking hand up to the door. I didn’t knock. I froze. What was I even doing here? I finally gathered enough courage to knock. It wasn’t loud, but he was eagerly waiting on the other side. He opened the door and motioned me to come inside. I turned to face him and his lips were pressed against mine. I melted into his kiss, letting his tongue hold me prisoner. I had to pull myself back to pull in a shaky breath. He kissed the air back out of my lungs. I couldn’t help but let out a moan. It had been over a decade, but he still set my insides on fire. He took my whimpering as confirmation we were thinking the same thing. We undressed each other slowly, but deliberately. He was huge, compared to my memory of him. His shoulders were broad, rippling muscles decorated his torso. I felt the muscles in his legs tense up as he moved between my legs. He remembered exactly how to touch me to make my mind go blank. He did it repeatedly before chasing his own high. We spent the entire night having sex. Neither of us said a word. Words would only ruin the perfect picture we had created for ourselves. Here, in this hotel room, reality did not exist. He did not have a wife. I was not the obsessive ex who wrote a book about the relationship. It was just him and me. We were timeless here. The sun crept into the hotel room before James finally spoke. He was sitting with his back against the headboard. One of his legs was up, tenting the sheet he was wearing.

“I didn’t know you felt that way. About us. Me.” He mumbled. I adjusted to sit beside him.

“I wasn’t the best with words. I’m still not. I guess some things never change.” I tried to joke. He leaned forward and kissed me again. When he moved back, his was shaking.

“I want to see you again.” He spoke softly. The alarm bells were ringing at full volume, but I just ignored the siren. I agreed to keep seeing him.

I knocked loudly on the office door. His secretary said Drew was in the office, but he wasn’t answering. I tried knocking again. There was still no answer. I let myself in.

“What are you doing?” Drew screamed. I could tell I had interrupted him during an important meeting with himself. I rolled my eyes and sat down on the couch in his office.

“Do you mind?” He barked, scrambling to make himself decent. I shrugged.

“Drew, I’ve seen you in worse situations.” I reminded him. It wasn’t that long ago that I had found him parading his secretary around on all fours wearing a dog collar. Granted, the office was supposed to be closed. There is no reason they should have been caught. But I was lucky like that.

“Why’d you invite James?” I asked sharply. Drew’s jaw dropped.

“What?” He stumbled.

“Why did you invite James to the movie premiere?” I repeated. Drew shrugged.

“Uh, someone thought he might want to see it.” He quickly dismissed. I raised my eyebrow.

“Who?” I quickly questioned. Drew ran one of his hands through his sweaty hair.

“Look, I don’t really remember sending out the passes. But if he got a pass, then it was because his name was on the list. Someone put him there.” He explained. I let out a frustrated sigh.

“Fine.” I groaned. Drew was quiet.

“Is that all you came for?” He asked, crossing his arms. I could tell he was flustered. He was cute when he was flustered. I shook my head.

“Of course not.” I groaned. Drew put his hands down on his desk.

“What did you do?” He asked sharply. I looked at the ceiling.

“Something I probably shouldn’t have.” I answered. His eyes went wide. He jumped up from his office chair and flew around the desk. His hand dropped aggressively on my shoulder.

“You’re an idiot!” He insulted. I shrugged. I knew there was no reason to argue him. I was being an idiot. I knew I was being an idiot. Drew leaned against the desk.

“You can’t be involved in a scandal like this. We’ve worked so hard to get you here.” He continued rambling, covering his face with his hands. I nodded

“That’s why I came to you.” I hinted. He dropped his hands.

“What do you want me to do?” He continued. I bit the side of my lip.

“I need to make sure no one finds out.” I clarified. Drew slowly nodded.

“Okay. We bury it. You’re right. I’ll take care of this.” He announced, jumping up from the table. I watched as he left the office in a flurry. I moved to his computer chair and opened the tab he had been looking at. He was a fucking pervert, but at least it was legal.

Drew was good at his job. His management skills were superior. He was able to juggle his own business, his marriage, his affairs, and all of my ongoing disasters. I was not easy to work for. I was really bad at interviewing and I overshared a lot. Drew was always explaining me to people. My actions, my words, my whereabouts. He took care of everything I needed. He figured out a way to book a hotel room indefinitely and put it under his wife’s maiden name. I was free to come and go, any time I wanted without having to sign in or identify myself. Drew handed me two key cards with the room information. He didn’t ask directly, but he had an idea where the second key was going. I figured the less he knew, the better. It was his fault, after all. If he didn’t invite James to the premiere, I never would have been back in his presence. Actually, Drew was amazing at his job.

“This feels, sleazy.” James complained as we walked into the hotel room. I laughed.

“Well we can’t go to my house unless you want your wife to find out. Security can keep the paparazzi off the property, but not their cameras.” I explained. He shook his head.

“Please, don’t mention my wife.” He plead. I nodded, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

“Vegas rules.” I proposed. James raised his eyebrow.

“What?” He questioned. I laughed, tapping the bed beside me.

“What happens in these four walls, stays in these four walls. Nothing out there can get us in here. We leave everything in this room. It can be our own little paradise. An escape from reality, for just us.” I explained. James cautiously sat beside me.

“Have you done this before?” He asked softly. I bit the side of my lip, but nodded.

“I had a brief affair with my manager.” I confessed. He pulled back.

“Really?” His voice cracked. I put my hand on his cheek and softly caressed his smooth skin.

“Some mistakes have to be made. Sometimes, you just have to know.” I sighed. He nodded.

“I think I know what you mean.” He smiled. Our lips met halfway as our bodies slid closer together. I let my hand run down his muscular arm, gently squeezing his bicep in the process. He smiled into the kiss, quickly wrapping those muscular arms around me. He pulled me into his lap and kissed me like he was searching for my very soul. I let every moan escape and fill the air around us as we stripped of our clothes. He made animalistic sounds as he completely lost himself. When it was over, we were a tangled mess of bodies and bodily fluids. I adjusted to lay beside him, putting my head on his chest. He put his arm around me. I could feel his heart racing, skipping the occasional beat. As I looked forward, I noticed there was a beautiful view of the city from the balcony. The view from inside was pretty nice too. I really should send Drew a thank you card. But how do you thank someone for helping you cover up an affair? Especially when that affair would not be happy that I told someone. Period.

No one wants their private matters discussed. Well, that’s what they told me after the release of the book. I wasn’t hearing anyone complaining when it became a movie. I bet some of the same classmates who were upset about how they were portrayed in the book now tell people to go and watch the movie because “they’re famous”. It’s crazy how the thought of being famous can change the way people act. Show business really does bring out the worst in people. In my opinion, the movie was no less controversial than the book. In fact, it left so much less up to the imagination. It put the characters in your face. You didn’t get to create your own version. You saw what the producers wanted you to see. I didn’t care how most of the characters were portrayed. I wanted readers to create their own fictionalized versions. I only cared about a select few. I think it was pretty obvious who.

I always repeat that if people want to talk about them favorably, then kind of need to be good people. Shitty people are going to come across as shitty people. I can’t be held responsible for other peoples’ actions. I also believed in free speech and my ability to cast the characters in my own life story. I did everything wrong. The producers, apparently, knew what the audience wanted. I never wrote for the audience. I wrote because I needed to put thoughts on paper in order to let them go. It was the only healthy coping mechanism I really had.

“Why me?” James asked softly. I sat up, looking at him with visible confusion.

“What do you mean? I told you I’d always love you. I meant it.” I questioned. He shrugged.

“I mean, of all the people you’ve known, all the stories you have to tell, why was it me you chose to write about?” He clarified. I bit the side of my lip. I had never thought of the answer because I had never been asked the question. I was quiet for a minute.

“I don’t know.” I confessed. He was quiet.

“I’m sorry, I know you probably get a million questions. I guess I’m just curious.” He sighed. I nodded.

“If I had to guess why it was you, it’s because the question of what we could have been lingers in the back of my head. Even after all this time. And I’m not attached to what you represent, like innocence or childhood or whatever. It’s just you.” I tried to explain. He smiled.

“I’m happy I made an impact.” He mused. I half-laughed.

“Oh baby, you were a fucking meteor. The big bang. I came to life when I met you.” I praised. He turned a light shade of pink, staring out the window. I just watched him, taking in his side profile. He had a light stubble growing in. He was a man now. Everything about him was the image of masculine perfection. I couldn’t help but marvel at the work of art in front of me. If I could pick any moment to spend forever in, this would be the moment.