Chapter 25

It would turn out I didn’t even have pancake mix. I couldn’t even be a bad housewife. We weren’t outside of the delivery services. It was a little more costly for our area, but, it was possible. I ordered something that seemed healthy enough. It was something Gabe had ordered before on my phone, so I had an idea of what to order and made sure there was enough for three. I also made a special request that the driver pick up disposable plates, since I didn’t have a third plate. I also sent Gabe a message informing him of what I was planning for dinner. He was the impulsive type, so there was a good chance he would have picked something up otherwise. Instead, he texted back a thumbs up.

I was just finishing unpacking everything and setting up a buffet-style spread when I heard the gravel outside. I was excited, but I was also incredibly nervous. I grabbed the few bags still laying around and shoved them into the central garbage one sitting on the floor. I kicked that towards the sink, where the garbage actually was. I heard Gabe coming in through the front door. Although I had locked it, I knew he had his own key. I had a key to his place too, in case I ever needed to check on the cats. It was rare, but it happened. There weren’t a lot of other people out here. We were pretty close. I tried to greet the pair nonchalantly, but the look Gabe gave me suggested I failed. James was too busy looking around, mostly at the floor to ceiling bookshelves.

“Have you read all these?” He asked, still looking around. I smiled.

“There are a few I haven’t connected with. But I’m waiting for the right time to pick them up again.” I confessed. James looked over at me and smiled.

“Timing is everything.” He agreed. The words felt heavier than a conversation about books. I suddenly felt hyper-aware that this was the first James was seeing of my life. The first thing he learned about me was going to be that I’m a loser who does nothing but read alone in my house. But the reality hadn’t really made it to my brain yet. I was still processing James in my house. Gabe moved around me and didn’t hesitate to make himself a plate. He seemed pleased, which made me smile. When he was finished collecting his meal, he tapped me on the shoulder.

“Nice.” He motioned around. I nodded and gently shooed him away. James started walking over.

“Do you want the tour now, or after dinner?” I asked. James smirked.

“Might as well show me where I’m staying.” He suggested. I nodded, weaving out of the kitchen. I walked ahead of James towards the back of the house. Gabe slid onto the couch and turned on the TV. I motioned to the right, where the bathroom was, then to the left. James stepped into the room and looked around. The room had a rustic forest theme. There were realistic trees etched into the paint on the walls. You could almost smell the pine needles. There was a pine-scented air freshener in the room. The black-out curtains blocked the beautiful beach on the other side of the wall. I could tell he wasn’t expecting any of this. I mean, who would?

“I’m sorry. Because I went into isolation, I thought this would help, but it ended up being a waste of time. I don’t actually sleep in this room. I sleep in the living room.” I sighed. He nodded, putting his bag on the floor at the foot of the bed. He sat down on the edge of the bed and motioned for me to sit beside him. When I did, he put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me down on the bed with him. Looking up, there was a large skylight letting in the twinkling stars.

“It’s a very creative space.” James commented. I smiled as I looked over at him. I stood up and walked over to one of the tree stumps. It was a rotating bookshelf. He laughed as he sat up.

“Let me guess, the spicy ones?” I nodded.

“Good guess.” I really didn’t think he’d get it on the first try. He laughed.

“It’s the perfect hiding place.” He added. I shrugged.

“Thanks. I mean, I didn’t build it, but, I designed it for the builders.” I rambled. James nodded.

“Everything about this house is you.” He commented. I nodded.

“That was my goal. It’s just a shame I had to give up so many other dreams just to make this one a reality.” I sighed. James stood up and grabbed my hand. He guided me over to the bed. He pressed his head against my chest pulling me against him.

“I don’t care about the past. Everything is perfect, right now. Focus on right now.” He hummed. That was another trick Gabe must have told him. I needed to be reminded to focus on the moment ahead of me. Otherwise, I got lost in thoughts of the past and future and how many variations exist of all. Gabe referred to it as my “existential dread”. I mean, when you’ve made as many mistakes as I have, can you blame me for thinking about all the alternatives that could have existed? It’s not like it occupied every second of my mind or anything. I had hobbies. Not many, but a few. I put my hand on his shoulder.

“Thank you.” I spoke softly. He nodded and stood up, following me out of the room. I brought him to the kitchen and stood to the side while he served himself. I would have thought Gabe told James I don’t eat, but the look on his face when I didn’t grab a plate suggested I’d have to explain. I motioned for him to sit down in the chair beside Gabe. I sat on one of the floor pillows and crossed my legs.

“Since he didn’t warn you, I don’t eat.” I tried to clarify James’s confusion. He raised his eyebrow.

“Like, at all?” He questioned. I shook my head.

“When did that start?” He asked, looking over at Gabe.

“After the accident.” Gabe groaned. I looked over at him and shook my head.

“Don’t minimize what happened.” I corrected him. Gabe raised his eyebrow.

“Oh, so we’re going to do this in front of him? Wow, you must really be comfortable with this guy if you’re willing to let him know you’re insane this soon.” Gabe teased. I rolled my eyes.

“The accident was a sign from God. Gabe is a fucking cynic.” I barked. Gabe shrugged.

“I just don’t see it.” He argued. I shook my head.

“You don’t need to understand, you need to have faith.” I plead. Gabe nodded to appease me.

“What was the sign?” James asked quietly. I looked over at Gabe.

“She took the accident as a sign that she should quit writing forever.” Gabe simplified. I sighed.

“It’s not the first time I’ve thought I was getting that sign. But, I don’t want the next time to be something I can’t recover from.” I tried to explain. James nodded.

“I understand completely.” He assured. Gabe looked over at him and raised his eyebrow.

“You do?” He questioned. James nodded.

“Yeah, I’m not saying I agree, but, I do tend to look for signs myself. If that is what she feels the Universe is trying to tell her, then she should go with that.” James encouraged. I looked over at him and smiled. There was something fluttering in my chest when I looked at him. Something I hadn’t felt in years, if ever. I don’t know if I’d ever looked at James this way. It was something like, adoration. James suddenly jumped up and walked across the room to the piano.

“Do you play?” I asked. He ran his hands over the keys, slowly shaking his head.

“Haven’t since high school.” He muttered. I nodded, biting the side of my lip. This could go one of two ways. He could be in blissful nostalgia of the days in the piano room. Or he could be about to regret his decision to come here. I bit my lip so hard I actually drew blood. The iron taste made my stomach churn. Or maybe it was the situation. It felt like everything was moving in slow motion for dramatic effect. Finally, James shook his head and looked over at me with a soft smile on his perfect lips.

“Would you teach me?” He asked. I felt that fluttering in my chest again as I nodded.

“Of course.” I agreed. James moved back to his plate. After watching the men eat, my stomach felt curious for food. I got up and headed into the kitchen to make myself a small plate of food. I think James took notice. I know Gabe did. I wondered if this was part of his overall plan.

I still suspected Gabe was up to something, and I couldn’t figure out what it was. I wanted to blindly trust him, but that sparkle in his eye always told me when he was lying. Not that you could ever break him. He just wouldn’t answer. But his eyes always told you just enough to be suspicious, and I was. Even how friendly he was being with James seemed, odd. It could be two older dudes making the best of a pretty awkward situation. It could also be some manipulation tactic. With Gabe, I wouldn’t know. What would he even manipulate me into? Being happy? Do I have to be tricked? Actually, maybe I do. I haven’t exactly prioritized my happiness in a while. I wanted to, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I kind of deserve to be alone and miserable. I mean, my choices brought me here. I burned every bridge with every connection. I ran away from every life. I never faced the consequences, not really. I got a slap on the wrist, all things considered.

I had been sitting back on the floor pillow, picking at my plate, for a while. Suddenly, James leaned forward and put his hand on my shoulder, drawing my direct eye contact.

“I’m proud of you.” He spoke softly. I nodded, not really sure what I was supposed to do. As he moved back, I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding in.

“Eep.” I chirped. James raised his eyebrow.

“I do that when things feel, weird, to me.” I confessed. James nodded.

“Okay.” He answered casually. Like it was a normal thing to have to consider during conversations with other functional adults. It was almost infuriating that he wasn’t more upset by how many things had to be done in specific ways for me. Of course he hadn’t been that long. After a month, he was really going to know what being with me, in any way, was like. From the nightmares and flashbacks to the alcoholism to pills to whatever I needed to control the insanity inside of my head. It wasn’t easy to be around someone so volatile. Someone who could snap at any minute. I wondered if James had really considered the depth of the insanity he had agreed to step into. I wonder if he had to sign a disclaimer. Drew would have made him sign a disclaimer.

“She recognizes the ticks, and usually recognizes the trigger.” Gabe announced. James nodded.

“Yes, I’ve matured. Go figure.” I groaned, rolling my eyes. James laughed.

“A lot of people get older, but never mature.” He mused. I looked over at him. He was wearing that dorky smile he had on when we first met. No, not when we first met. It was the first time we touched before I fell in the mud. That smile that says he is up to no good, planning something. Suddenly, Gabe jumped up from the couch and let out an exaggerated yawn.

“I should get home. Kay is going to be worried.” He elongated the last word. I rolled my eyes.

“Only if her food bowl is empty.” I dismissed, walking him to the front door. He spun around and gave me a thumbs up, in real life. I shook my head and went back inside. I don’t know what Gabe was drinking or smoking or if he was just tired. I hoped he could make it to his front door. I went straight into the kitchen to package up the leftovers. I had to rearrange a few things in the fridge to make them fit, but I figured it out. As I finished putting everything away, James came into the kitchen with the collected dishes. I pointed to the brown bag on the floor. He tossed everything inside and laughed.

“I like your system. It’s not great on the environment, but it’s certainly efficient.” He joked. I nodded.

“This started happening the last few years.” I sighed. I motioned out the window to the area out front. “When I first moved out here, I had a vegetable garden right there. I learned to fish at the lake for my own meet. I’ve never been hunting, but, I’m not eager to try it either.” I rambled. James nodded.

“It sounds like you took good care of yourself.” He commented. I shrugged.

“When I first moved out here, it was like I had gone to an entirely new world. My own little Wonderland. Nothing that had ever happened to me mattered anymore, now that I had my safe space. I even went on weekly hikes. There are great trails in the area.” I rambled. James nodded.

“What changed?” He asked softly. I shrugged, looking around the room.

“I guess, after Gabe moved into the area, reality started creeping back in and slowly pulling the walls of my safe space apart. There’s not really a lot of “safe” left here.” I sighed. James nodded. He grabbed my hand and started leading me down the hallway.

“What are you doing?” I groaned, trying to keep up with him. He wrapped his arms around me and flopped down on the bed, pinning me underneath him. He slowly leaned down and kissed me.

“I want to help you make it safe again.” He whispered. I let out a soft sigh.

“That’s one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me.”