Chapter 5

The next day, James came over to talk to her. He confessed that he had a few drinks at the party and he kissed Jessica. She was drunk too, it didn’t mean anything. It was a dare that just got out of hand, and he was sorry. At first, Charlotte believed him. She had no reason to think he was being dishonest. It didn’t take long for the rumor mill to start churning out new renditions of the evening. A few people were saying that Jessica and James left the party together, hand in hand. Other people were saying they were groping each other in front of everyone. Even Kevin said he saw them kissing. That seemed to be the mildest version of the story. Charlotte dismissed the rumors outwardly, but internally, she was starting to have doubts. Maybe James had lied to her about what happened. She had no real way of knowing, other than what people said and that wasn’t reliable most of the time. When she asked Kim what happened, she refused to talk about it. To Charlotte, that was her way of saying she saw something she didn’t want to. That was all the confirmation Charlotte needed to confront James. She told him to meet her at the park down the street. She was there first. She sat down on the swings and waited. He approached her cheerily, leaning down to kiss her cheek before he sat in the swing beside her.

“What’s up?” He asked, putting his hand on her back. She twitched away.

“We need to talk, about the other night.” She mumbled. James nodded.

“I told you, I’m sorry. I won’t let it happen again.” He apologized. She nodded.

“You told me you kissed her. That was all.” She mumbled. James raised his eyebrow.

“That’s the truth.” He insisted. She nodded.

“Then why is everyone else saying something different?” She barked. His head dropped.

“Be honest with me.” She insisted. He looked up at her and she could see that he was tearing up.

“I would never lie to you.” He spoke softly, but with confidence. She looked down at the ground.

“So if I ask Jessica, she’ll tell me the same thing you told me?” She asked softly. James sighed.

“I don’t care who you ask. I told you what happened.” He repeated. She nodded.

“I’m sorry. I’ll get over it. I just let other people get in my head.” She mumbled. He was quiet.

“I don’t know if I can get over it.” He sighed. She raised her eyebrow.

“What do you mean?” She asked. He was quiet again.

“You don’t trust me, Charlotte. I think that’s obvious.” He mumbled. She was quiet.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you.” She tried arguing. He looked over at her.

“Then what is it?” He asked. She went to answer, but found herself tongue tied.

“I think maybe we should take a break.” He announced. Charlotte looked over at him, eyes wide.

“What?” She squeaked. He shrugged as he stood up.

“I just don’t see a way around this.” He sighed. Charlotte sat quietly as she watched him walk away. It took a few minutes before she was able to fully process what had happened. She started bawling.

She was inconsolable for a few days. She stayed home from school. She said she wasn’t feeling well, but the ache in her stomach wasn’t contagious. She was heartbroken. James called to check in on her, but she refused to take any calls. Her mother just told him the same thing she had been telling the school, that Charlotte was simply too sick. Charlotte knew she couldn’t hide from the world forever. It was going to slowly seep back in. She had to go to school. She had to see James, whether she liked it or not. It was just going to be hard and she wasn’t ready. It was her third or fourth day of isolation that Jessica came over to bring her homework. She had a few classes in common with Charlotte, and collected the homework from her other classes. Charlotte could tell that wasn’t why she had come over.

“I need to talk to you.” She mumbled. Charlotte nodded and led her upstairs to her bedroom. Jessica walked in and sat down on the purple inflatable chair in her bedroom.

“So, I know you’ve heard about what happened.” She started. Charlotte nodded, sitting on the edge of her bed. Jessica covered her face with her hands.

“It’s all wrong.” She sighed, dropping her hands to her lap. Charlotte raised her eyebrow.

“Then what actually happened?” She questioned. Jessica took another deep breath.

“Someone dared me to kiss him on the cheek. That was it. I don’t know why I kissed him on the lips. He didn’t even kiss back, he just, froze.” She detailed. Charlotte nodded.

“I didn’t want Kevin to find out I had kissed him, so, I let the gossip get out of hand. I’m sorry if that’s why things, well,” She paused and let out a deep, shaky, breath. Charlotte nodded.

“I appreciate you telling me.” She assured. Jessica nodded.

“I thought I’d feel better, but I don’t.” She groaned. Charlotte half-smiled.

“Maybe you have someone else you need to tell the truth.” She hinted. Jessica nodded.

“Yeah, I guess.” She pulled herself up from the chair and headed towards the door.

“I hope you can come back soon.” She sighed, disappearing down the stairs. Charlotte heard Jessica say hello to her mother before she left the house. Charlotte wasn’t sure how to feel. On one hand, James was telling the truth. Unfortunately, that meant he was right and she shouldn’t have questioned him. It wouldn’t be the first time self-doubt would get in the way of something she wanted. She wanted to apologize to James, but she wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it. It took her a few days to finally gain the nerve to talk to him. She just told him she was sorry, but understood it couldn’t be undone and left him on his own. She didn’t want to take up any more of his time.

A few weeks later, the school held a Thanksgiving celebration. All the students were expected to volunteer for a certain amount of time, either serving at the soup kitchen or something similar. Charlotte chose to serve at the soup kitchen. So had James. The two of them were given the same time frame, along with two other classmates. At first, there was an awkward silence between the two of them. It almost seemed like he was disappointed that she was there. She told herself that was just her insecurity. She was right. As their time went on, the silence became less uncomfortable. They were busy, so there wasn’t really any time to talk among themselves. They were serving, after all. But the air around them seemed to change. James seemed less defensive, almost open. When her hand brushed past his, he didn’t pull away. It was a simple moment, but one that reminded Charlotte of how electric it felt when he touched her. The way all her senses would fire up and go into overdrive. She missed being around him, more than she was letting herself think. She waited until they were done their shift. They were both standing in the alley behind the soup kitchen, waiting for their rides. James stepped closer to her, his hand brushing against hers. She wrapped her fingers through his and looked up at him. As she did, he leaned down and kissed her. She felt weak in the knees. She gently squeezed his hand as she put her other hand on his cheek. She rested her nose on his.

“I’ve missed you.” She whispered. He nodded into her.

“I’ve missed you too.” He agreed. A horn honking beside them separated the pair. James got into his moms car and Charlotte watched as they drove away. He waved out the window to her. She was exhausted from a long day, but she was happy too. It was a relief that he missed her too.

The next day, he called her after school. He apologized for breaking things off. He said one of his friends had pulled him aside and said he overreacted. In his words “dude, you did cross a line”. He laughed as he repeated it with the same tone of voice it had been said to him in. She apologized for everything, mostly overreacting herself. They agreed that both of them had handled it immaturely. James made her promise to trust him. She assured him that she did trust him, but she let her insecurities get inside her head. He said he understood. He knew all too well what kind of lies insecurities tell. She promised to trust him if he gave her another chance.

So the two of them found an after school club they could join together. It was supposed to be a tabletop board game club, but it turned out to be more of a social gathering. Everyone was paired off or in small groups and basically kept to themselves. It was held in the gymnasium of Charlotte’s grade school, which happened to be close to her house. That was the only reason her mother let her join an after school program. They met up at the gymnasium every Tuesday after school. They tried to spend the hour talking about things outside of school, like family drama and hanging out with friends. His failing grades came up. Her attendance, or lack thereof. Both of them were struggling in school, despite the fact that they were straight A students in grade school. It was obvious that their break-up had taken a toll on both of them.

Over the next few weeks, Charlotte tried to repair the broken trust between them. James forgave her because he was a great guy with a big heart. Charlotte just couldn’t forgive herself. She was upset that she had listened to other people, and that she didn’t have all the facts before making a decision. She was embarrassed by her own behavior. She didn’t really know how she was going to make it up to James, but she wanted to do something really special. It was a week before Christmas when she came up with the perfect way to show how much she really cared about him.

James was able to come over the day after Christmas. Charlotte put on an old video. It was one her mother had found in the keepsakes bucket. It was a Christmas play from 1995 that James and Charlotte were in together. Charlotte had no memory of going to that school. James only vaguely remembered the Christmas play. They watched it together in the basement of her townhouse and laughed the entire time.

“You were a cute kid.” She giggled, lightly pushing his shoulder with hers. He smiled.

“I thought I was still cute.” He crossed his arms and pretended to pout. She shook her head.

“That’s not the word I’d use.” She countered. He raised his eyebrow.

“What would you say?” He pried. She looked down bashfully, then back at him.

“Handsome.” She answered honestly. He smiled widely as he kissed her.

“Thank you.” He mumbled. She could see he was blushing too. She put her hand on his cheek and kissed him slowly. She put her hand on his chest and gently pushed him down on the couch. He dropped his back against the cushions, pulling her down with him. She adjusted to straddle his waist.

“You know what I was thinking?” She started as she pulled her lips from his. He shook his head, breathing erratically. She smiled as she looked down at him.

“We should, I mean, if you’re ready.” She stumbled. His eyes went wide.

“Are you serious?” He squeaked. She nodded.

“If you want.” She added. He wrapped his arms around her back and pulled her down on top of him.

“Fuck yeah.” He grunted. It didn’t come as a total surprise. They had talked about having sex in the past. It was a natural progression as they both understood. Originally, when she had brought it up, he didn’t feel like he was ready. Now, his excitement was hard to deny. They slowly undressed and covered themselves with a throw blanket.

This wasn’t some magical first time story. Neither had ever had sex, so they didn’t really know what they were doing. They fumbled, they winced. It was awkward and uncomfortable for both of them. Physically. Charlotte didn’t care about the physical sensations. She was overwhelmed by the emotional ones. She felt closer to James than she had ever felt before. Her body was electric in a way she had never experienced before. She knew he felt the same because there was a sparkle in his eyes she had never seen before. It didn’t go anywhere either. Every time he looked at her, he had that sparkle in his eyes. Even though they both attempted to act discreet, their body language with each other had changed. A few people took notice. Kim pulled Charlotte aside to ask, and Charlotte told her everything. It was the first time she really gushed, outside of her journal. Kim wasn’t a judgmental person. She also wasn’t a gossip. Charlotte trusted her. Unfortunately, Kim didn’t share Charlotte’s enthusiasm. She thought she was too young to be taking that step, and that James wasn’t the one to take it with, given their history. Kim was older, so Charlotte took her advice to heart. But she had promised James that she would talk to him the next time she was feeling insecure. So she did. She told him what Kim said, and asked if he felt that way. He assured he didn’t, but he understood if it was going too fast too. They decided to hold off on doing it again. She felt a million times better after talking to him.