Never Signing Off

I try not to leave my house at all during the winter months. I hibernate. I am a complete shut in. I get cold to the bone and I can't get warm again. Being outside feels like burning all over and freezing at the core. It's been this way for two years, since I got sick. It doesn't really affect my daily life, just my productivity from December-February.  This year, I think I've made good use of my hibernation. I've put my mind to work. Unfortunately, my emotions were put to work too.  All of my writing projects shed light on a few unresolved issues that I have. I'm not entirely sure how to proceed. If writing were adequate enough therapy, I would have just worked through every issue I've ever had. I certainly cataloged some of the worst moments of my entire life. The last few weeks have been nothing but facing things that I didn't think were a big deal at the time. Things I'm realizing were way bigger deals.  I can't help but think I missed a lot ...

2021 Where did my faith come from? In 2024, I was on my death bed facing a few harsh truths about my life. I never really recovered from that. I spiralled into a depression instead of sprouting wings and soaring over the obstacles. Falling into that depression is the reason I got rid of everything I owned, cut contact with everyone in my life, and started making a concrete plan to end my life. 2021 I did not find God at the edge of the cliff, when I was about to jump. When I managed to pull myself together and took a few steps back, God was there to pat me on the back. To congratulate me for overcoming it.  God is supposed to inspire us to be better people for each other, not for him.  I believe God is making me stronger. God is giving me a voice. God is cheering me on and motivating me on my journey. God is my cheerleader so that I can be a cheerleader for others. 2021 All I've ever wanted to do was help people with my words. I don't know why it took me this long to finally a...

I don't need to write my own allegory. You already wrote it for me. I wish you had given me the decency of anonymity. Instead, you put me on blast. You always said you'd take the pain and put it on a billboard. I said I hoped your plan crashed over the Atlantic. We were made for fashion, not function and we're more like beauty and the beast. But the beauty is only skin deep because we're both monsters on the inside. I wish I could have put your name in lights. Instead, I'm left your dirty secret, swept under the rug of your picture perfect life. But you'd still come to me in the middle of the night. You can say you wouldn't until you're blue in the face. You look so good in blue, I just might listen if only to see you struggle for an explanation. You were never good in person, better on the page by your own proclamation. You took the worst moments of our life and put them in type. I never thought I'd see the day you'd write a best seller about ou...

I finished putting together my keepsake book today. It's written like an autobiography that might be read by the public, but I didn't bother changing any of the names. I basically wrote the book for myself, retelling me my own history in case I ever forget. With how much I've lost of my mind already, I expect certain elements will fade with time. There are people and things I'd never want to forget and people and things I can't wait to forget. Now I just have to wait for the proof in the mail (not that there is going to be more than 1 copy made).  This is my birthday gift to myself. If my friends ever want to read it, I'd be happy to let them.

[This is an excerpt from "Your Favorite Broken Record", my memoir.] “Hey, could you grab me another?” John called from the living room. I turned around and grabbed a second beer from the fridge. I headed back into the living room and held one in his direction. He took it, popping the cap off with the corner of the coffee table. I rolled my eyes and grabbed a bottle opener. The TV was playing in the background. It was a soccer game or something, but neither of us were really watching. The TV was just background noise to the conversation we were having. “I’m surprised you’re not more upset.” I observed. He shrugged in his usual fashion. “You can’t worry about the future. It’s unpredictable.” He mused. I shrugged. “I think the country is filled with idiots and they shouldn’t get a right to vote.” I argued. He sighed. “You can’t limit people’s ability to have political differences. We need different opinions. It keeps the world moving and keeps things interesting.” He rambl...

For over a year, there has been a cat roaming around outside of my house. At first, we thought he was a stray. After a few weeks of watching him, we were convinced there was no way a human loved this cat. He was starved for attention more than food and he was trying to get into our house every time someone would go inside or outside. I contacted the local rescue because they have a TNR program. They were happy to come and scoop up the boy and bring him to get fixed. When they did, his owner showed up and made a scene. Her cat wasn't fixed, but was outside when that's not legal in our bylaw. Somehow, after they discovered this cat wasn't being cared for, the cat was returned to its' owner. It was back outside the same day. Even though his ear had been tipped because he was done as part of the program. His nose, raw from rubbing on the cage, wasn't healed either. It was still bloody. She let him back outside.  As the weather got colder, we started letting him hide out...

I wish I could leave you behind Without you crawling back into my mind. We've been here to many times And I'm so sick of reciting lines. You're like a habit I can't break, A mistake I'm always willing to make. I always give and you always take And I just can't make the same mistake. You flash that smile even when you're wrong I've tried many times to just move on. But I guess I'm just not that strong You always keep me hanging on. You're always just under my skin I try to claw you out, but I never win I leave myself exposed and then You work your way back in again. But we'll never work, it's not our way. We always argue more than we play. And all of the hurtful things we'd say, I just can't take another day. I was patient, through the rise and fall, I never called you out at all. I can't count how many times I'd bawl When I was waiting for your call. I was nothing until I was gone, Then you wanted to fix what's wrong. ...

[taken from the Vault, formerly one of the 3 stories in Three Tales of Not Quite Romance] It was New Years Eve 1999 – also known to those who lived through it as Judgment Day or the Y2K. Apparently all the computers were going to blow up or something and the world was going to collapse. There weren't even that many computers back then. Only the government had them. I couldn't see how modern people were going to be affected. Banks reading at zero. Credit, zero. Everything kept in electronic databases, zero. Wouldn't that have been freedom, in Chuck Palahniuk's sense of the word? That sounds more like Nirvana then Doomsday. But, whatever. It didn't happen. What did happen, at least in my little spinning rock, was worse... I sat fidgeting with the label on the Millers Draft in my hand. I didn't drink, but I couldn't refuse the beer when it was handed to me over an hour ago. It was past room temperature now, and lost any appeal. I had long stopped pretending...

The first weekend, it was just the boys who came over. Hayley had plans with her friends. The two boys were dropped off Friday after school. We ordered pizza, because weekends were the only time James ate junk food. We decided to have a movie night. There was a new horror movie out that the two of them wanted to see, but their mom wouldn’t let them. It wasn’t too outrageous, so James said it was okay. We sat together in the living room watching movies and eating popcorn until everyone eventually fell asleep. I woke up at some point after the boys fell asleep and turned everything off. In the morning, they were up and out the door. They were on a hockey team together and Saturday was practice. After James dropped them off, I got the idea in my head to make a macaroni and cheese casserole. I figured that was pretty boring alone, so I thought about sprinkling crunched up chips on top. At first, I thought of Nacho Doritos because they are cheesy. Then, I realized how good a casserole wou...